ADHD + Me: Middle School Edition
Image description: Young person with black hair, with a dark night background with blurred lights, holds a shining heart shape.
Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash
You are 11, 12, 13 years old, in grade 6,7,8.
You know you have ADHD.
You have talked to your parents, doctors, therapists and teachers about it.
Maybe you take a medication for it.
Maybe you don’t.
And it gets hard sometimes.
You know there’s something different about you, but the way you are told to manage it is the same as other kids who don’t have it. And it usually doesn’t work for you. It’s really normal for people with ADHD to experience life differently than most people - but the problem is it’s really hard to notice why sometimes.
With ADHD, often hard things are easy and easy things are hard.
People with ADHD tend to have different strengths, abilities and challenges than other neurotypical people (the type of brain most people have). Here are some of the ways ADHD shows up in kids and adults. Notice which things are true for you or not.
attention - we can only really pay good attention if the topic, book, show, presentation or lesson is interesting to us.
focus - we can focus really well sometimes. We can hyperfocus - get really focused on something interesting to us. Other times it’s almost impossible to focus, our minds drift off into our imagination or get distracted by something more interesting or we can’t tune out distractions.
memory - it’s not always consistent. There are some very detailed things we can remember, and then there are some simple things that we can never remember.
creativity - we think in really creative ways, lots of ideas or different ways to look at things
big energy: some of us have really energetic bodies - it’s hard for us to sit still usually (called hyperactive)- unless something is really fascinating
low energy: some of us have quiet bodies and quick minds - we are called shy, but it’s not really that, we just see and hear so much it’s pretty overwhelming
many ideas: we often have quick brains or big idea brains (and this can make doing our work difficult, because we can’t decide what is most important).
impulse control: its hard to stop ourselves from moving, talking or blurting out answers in class, or interrupting when we are talking to people
creating art or building things - many of us like to keep busy with drawing or making things, we find lots of inspiration, and if feels good to make things
time: we often have time blindness - its hard to be aware of time passing, or estimate the time it takes to do something, or to follow a plan we made
getting started - we have a hard time starting something new, or pick up something we started before. We know we have to do something, but we get stuck thinking about it rather than doing it. To others sometimes it looks like we are lazy or unmotivated - which hurts our feelings, but we can’t explain why we can’t just get started (it’s actually a brain chemistry thing).
finishing things - if we did start something (it helps if we are interested or under pressure), we often loose track of where we’re at and what we are supposed to do, so we don’t finish things. It sometimes feels like we are starting all over again.
organization - we are usually moving from thing to thing - at school and home, and we drop the things we were using and forget where they are, so our stuff gets messy, and we forget where things went if we can’t see them easily
keeping our promises - we want to keep our promises, but we forget or loose track of what we said we would do, we get distracted
big emotions - we have bigger and stronger emotional reactions to things that many people - sometimes it shows up in our faces and bodies (laughing loudly, angry shouting, loud crying) and sometimes we can hide it inside (sadness, hurt feelings, anger).
overwhelm - you get over-stimulated sometimes, because you notice so much, and lots of loud noise or crowded places put you on high alert, so you need a break or time to recover afterwards.
anxiety - we tend to feel overwhelmed often, and we get nervous or worried about dealing with those overwhelming feelings from our brain’s attention to ALL THE THINGS all the time.
authenticity - you have super power for noticing when people are being fake or real with you, and you don’t really want to deal with an inauthentic person.
justice - you really notice when things are not fair, someone is being mistreated or bullied, or rule or reward are not being enforces fairly.
criticism really hurts - the fancy words are “rejection sensitivity disphoria” - which means we feel a deeper sense rejection than other people when people make critical comments, correct us, or are mean to us. People usually don’t understand why the little critical thing they said hurt us so badly.
praise really feels good - the fancy words are “recognition responsive euphoria” - which means when people notice something great that we did we feel it extra deeply, we feel really proud, encouraged and happy
oh and there’s more…
what do you experience that I didn’t mention?
Why is it called ADHD?
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - is what ADHD stands for. But many scientists, therapists and doctors don’t think this a good name for what is happening to people with this brain difference.
We don’t ALWAYS have trouble with attention or focus - just sometimes (ok a lot of the time, especially when things are not very interesting to us).
We are not all the Hyperactive Type , many of us are labled “Inattentive Type” instead. Some are called both Hyperactive and Inattentive. But those 2 words don’t capture all of it. Not even close.
It’s not even always a disorder or disability, but it sure can disrupt our lives like a disorder when we haven’t learned to manage it.
the name was created decades ago, and seems to have stuck, even though we know a lot more now.
Some scientist want to rename it to VAST - Variable Attention Stimulus Trait - which might be better, but still doesn’t cover all the things we notice about it.
Connor deWolfe on TikTok calls it DAVE. he has some great TikToks about ADHD. Check out his posts. Remember this is HIS ADHD. You may connect with some of the things, but not all.
Remember that Hard things can be Easy.
Some people call it a Super Power - but that makes some people feel like the difficult things are not recognized - it can get REALLY hard sometimes. We can do some things REALLY well. We have some big abilities that the world really needs.
The one thing we know about ADHD is that although we have similar traits,
we also have unique lives with our unique strengths and struggles.
Remember that Easy things can be Hard.
I’m sorry but maybe some people have been less than kind and have called you lazy, or unmotivated, or dumb. Or overly dramatic. Or arrogant. Or annoying. Or you could do so much better in school if you would focus and pay attention more (of course we would if we could!). There are lots of ways that people with ADHD have been criticized and made to feel small. If they have said that they are really wrong about you.
Neuroscientists (brain scientists) have discovered that people with ADHD don’t have the ability to shut off the part of our brain that is always processing ideas, imaginative thoughts, sounds and all the things that neurotypical people can filter out.
Your brain works differently - but there is no reason you can’t learn, do what you want to do, be who you want to be now and for the future. Oh, and did you know that planning for the future is even different for us? We usually can’t really picture it.
Why I Care
So I’m Connie. I’m a mom of 2 kids with ADHD - and I have ADHD myself. I have become and ADHD Coach because I want to help people with ADHD really thrive in life. I didn’t know until I was 49 years old. When I learned I had it, it made so much sense. I learned I had it after my son was diagnosed (this is happening a lot these days - parents figuring it out after their kids learn they have it). When I was a kid it wasn’t understood at all. And they really didn’t notice it in girls. Not knowing made life hard for a long time, because I didn’t understand what kept tripping me up in life. Knowing and learning about it, and getting support, has made a huge difference to me.
I have a 12 year old daughter on her way to 7th grade. You can guess I am extra mindful about her experience with ADHD and supporting her. And because I know that school has been hard in many ways for her, and it’s getting harder, that’s why I am focusing my attention on middle school kids. This is an important time to learn how to work with your ADHD - before highschool, and while school work is getting more complex, and friendships a bit more intense (sometimes). Well, there’s also how you relate to your parent(s) - do you all understand well how ADHD affects your relationship and home life? It can be tough. I’ll bet your room is messy right now, and your parent may or may not have reminded you to clean up a few times. No?
Clean Your Room!
So here is an example of what an ADHD Coach can help with: Cleaning Your Room. We could talk about how to talk to your parents about what their standard is to be organized and clean, and what feels right for you, and then figure out together how to get it done. If you have a chance to talk to me as a Coach, on the issue of cleaning your room, we could talk about what it’s been like, what you want, what your parents want, what’s most important for you, why that would make a difference, and decide what to do next. What to do next could be anything: another talk with your parents about taking down the stress about room cleaning, expressing the help you might need, brainstorming the things that would be useful to have to stay organized (shelves, bins, hooks, paper storage, a desk, your own cleaning supplies), help to to get started, a way to celebrate when it’s done… so many options that can turn a feel-bad chore into something not-so-bad. And in the end you may have a room set-up that could support your ADHD so you can find stuff when you need it, and have it be a really feel-good place to be.
I can help.
I’m really passionate about helping kids, teens and adults learn as much as they can about how ADHD impacts their lives and figure out ways to get things done, feel good about themselves, and design a life that’s custom made for you to enjoy yourself and do good work in the world.
What would you like to know about how you can do better with your ADHD?
I created a program called ADHD + Me - which is a group coaching and homework club - but I can only do that with 12 kids in my neighbourhood in Toronto, for now. Email connie@interpurpose.com for more details.
I can also help by being your ADHD Coach. Talk to your parent(s) about it, if you’d like this kind of support. I can coach people in person in Toronto, or online from anywhere. There are also lots of ADHD Coaches all over the world, and I know some of them, if you want someone closer to you.
You’ve got the ability to have an really interesting and adventurous life. I’m excited for you!
~ Connie Kuipers, ADHD Life Coach
